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Boundaries that Break Negative Family Patterns

Every family has a collective energetic signature, a vibrational frequency that is a combination of the individual energetic signature of each family member. This energetic signature is not stagnant. When one individual within the family unit changes his/her energy, it affects the rest. Those nearest us, or those we have the strongest energetic bonds with — they influence us the most, and vice versa. Our ancestors and their thought patterns, behavioral patterns, traumas, beliefs, convictions, karma, health, and way of life in general are factors that affect us. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and energetically. How much we are influenced by our family’s collective negative energy depends on how much inner work we have done, and the lack or presence of healthy boundaries.

We are not bound to be affected by the same negative patterns for the rest of our lives, since we can always choose to change. But if we remain locked in the same patterns as our ancestors due to lack of awareness and knowledge, and not taking self-responsibility and doing the inner work needed, we tend to repeat and recreate the same patterns as our ancestors, but in slightly different ways. Yet, the main ingredients of the patterns remain the same. Here are some examples of disempowering family patterns we might automatically relive if we avoid taking self-responsibility by healing and evolving from these family patterns:

• Not setting healthy boundaries

• Choosing abusive partners

• Lack of self-worth

• Lack of self-respect

• Not feeling good enough

• Generally worrying and thinking the worst

• Having a negative and unhealthy relationship with money

• Poverty mindset

• Body shame

• Lack of self-esteem

• Abuse

• Sexual shame

• Fear of speaking up

• Being overly self-critical

• Shaming others to get it your way

• Codependency

• Anxiety, fear, phobias, depression, helplessness

These conditions can be influenced by ancestral “baggage,” but that is not the sole contributor. That would make it easy for us to point fingers and blame our past. Allow me to point out that even though our lineage might carry a lot of negativity, this is no excuse for us to continue the same negativity. How we handle it, as adults — is where our power to change is. Our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and behaviors create a negative or positive pattern — with time, this pattern gets integrated into our DNA, our cell memory, our subconscious mind, and the collective subconscious of our bloodline. And then affects the coming generations. It is good to know, that they can all be changed. Isn’t it? Not by itself or by chance. But by choice. Negative patterns can end with you. And maybe that is what you are here for?


Follow Along or Dare to Stand Out? 

I have a question. Let’s say you make a personal decision concerning your body, your health, your work, your goals, or something else. The rest of your family doesn’t agree with your decision. Maybe some of them bully you, talk disrespectfully to you, shame you, guilt trip you, threaten you, try to force you in some way to do as they say. This is far from a comfortable and easy situation to be in, but it is a reality for many. Is this the kind of people and relationships you want in your life? If you give in and do as they want, maybe to avoid rocking the boat, or because you are afraid they won’t love you if you don’t give in — does this make you feel genuinely loved? Is it worth it? Is this the advice you would give your children: “Never follow your heart. Do what everyone else wants you to do, even if your gut, your heart, your mind, and your Spirit are telling you not to. Always give in when you experience pressure from family. Be a good girl. Be a good boy.”

Those that dare to stand out from the crowd are not gifted with courage and self-respect; they don’t lack fear. But they choose what they feel is the right thing to do, despite their fear. They strive to live with integrity and with high morals, despite fear.

Cutting Ties with Family Members

I get this question many times: “Is it okay to cut ties with family members?” My reply: for me personally, it doesn’t matter if it is family or not. If another human being mistreats me, abuses me, manipulates me, exploits me, or threatens me, I have every right to protect myself from that toxicity by verbally setting a boundary, and/or physically reducing the time I spend with that person, or to completely stop spending time with that person. Being family doesn’t make this behavior acceptable, or mean that we should tolerate it. I find it even less acceptable. Being family in blood doesn’t mean that we are obligated to have a functioning relationship and spend time together by any means. This is my opinion. And I stand by it. And I stand by you if you have to set this boundary. I know that some do. Tough love and courage are required from those that are in situations like these.

I am not saying that you should leave your family and cut ties as soon as there is a disagreement. However, if you set boundaries, and these boundaries are disrespected and overstepped time and time again — and the other part refuses to accept your decision, continuing to cross your boundaries, with words and actions — this invites you to draw the final line. Telling them exactly what you think and feel, and then presenting the consequences that will unfold if this harassment continues and your boundaries are not respected. And then, if they still don’t listen, and they refuse to make an effort to make your relationship work, then the time might be ripe for you to move on. As hard as that may be. Sometimes, the right choice is the hardest choice. You are much more powerful, resilient, and resourceful than you think you are.


Our Boundaries Will Be Tested

Let’s say that you have outgrown a self-sabotaging family pattern of always having to please others. You sniff out when others try to take advantage of you, and because of your healthy boundaries, you counteract this. But still, you are not invisible to situations where people try to take advantage of you or try to manipulate you. These situations won’t magically disappear just because you have evolved, have clear boundaries, have strengthened your vibrational frequency, etc. But the way you react and respond to these situations has changed so that you handle these situations better, with more wisdom and effectiveness. Maybe these events are tests or lessons to make us even stronger and more integrated in our new patterns of thought and action. Leading us to be more aligned. When we are more aligned in our new ways of reacting and responding, these situations tend to happen less frequently. But they can still happen, because in the mix of co-creation are also the thoughts and actions of others, and the degree to which they influence our daily life. We do not create the life we live solely by ourselves; we are co-creating, on an earthly level and a multidimensional level. This co-creation process is ongoing in every second of your life. It is the Law of Cause and Effect. 

It Ends with You

What if you chose your lineage from Soul level because you are the one that is supposed to break specific negative family patterns? By standing up for yourself? What if many of the disempowering family patterns are supposed to end with you? If we have on a Soul level chosen our family for us to learn specific lessons — or if it is all random coincidence — we are still in a position to break and heal the dysfunctional family patterns from within ourselves and ripple that change outwards through action. When you change, you affect the generations after you. By healing the trauma involved, deprogramming from false belief constructs, starting to make higher-quality choices and taking aligned action on a daily basis, we stop the patterns from functioning on autopilot. We deactivate the patterns in our subconscious mind. Literally. 

If we just ignore it, and don’t do our absolute best, committing to changing our dysfunctional family dynamics — does that mean that we are on some level choosing to continue these patterns, and to serve them to our children and grandchildren? From my perspective, yes. That is what we are doing. Avoiding making a choice is still a choice. We always make choices. One can say “but it is not only my responsibility to do something about this.” That is true. And I totally agree. It is not yours only. But you are your responsibility. The path you choose to walk is your responsibility.

The words in this article are taken from my course Set Conscious Boundaries – Stand Up For Yourself & Let Go Of People Pleasing For Good.

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